so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
