Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My pussy is not your playground.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
