This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
