So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
