Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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