I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
