The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
