i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
