Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
