Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Randomize
