I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
