Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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