Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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