Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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