I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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