She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
