I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
