It's a beautiful day for a hangover
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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