So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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