May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
