As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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