Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
