is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
