what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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