Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
