hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
