Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
