the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
