If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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