He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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