who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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