just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
