yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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