Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
