woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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