I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i will never coherently bang her
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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