At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
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