My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
