I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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