When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
