dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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