What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
