i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
