Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
