Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
