we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
