please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
