There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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