My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
