Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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