I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
